This is a story about a situation in a small resort community. What it illustrates is how a single bully can rip apart family units, schools, workplaces, associations, communities and countries.
As an expert in organizational dynamics with a focus on bullying, this situation intrigued me. What occurred in this town is reflective of the growing polarization and toxicity in almost every aspect of our society. Bullies appear to be winning the battle for our souls and we as bystanders are allowing it to happen.
Having grown up in a small town, I could well relate to the wonderful sense of community this town has exuded. The long-standing locals and the seasonal residents more than co-exist; they are neighbours and friends who enjoy what those who live in large urban areas can only dream about. However, this utopia is under the spell of a single bully, aided and abetted by bystanders who have been sucked into a vortex of deceit, deflection and discreditation.
It all started with a dispute between a small business owner and his client. In short order, a mutually agreeable resolution was reached. Immediately following this, a third party (the bully), who saw an opportunity to financially benefit from the dispute, inserted herself and influenced the client to renege on the settlement. An ugly confrontation occurred, which included the third party, who accused the business owner of ethical impropriety. Wanting the situation resolved, the business owner reached a second agreement with his client. However, this agreement, unlike the first, involved a financial settlement and was of significant benefit to the third party. The business owner was out unnecessary funds, but was content in the fact he had a satisfied customer.
This should have been the end of the story. However, as is the case in most bullying situations, the transaction became an open secret and the fodder of a lot of gossip, innuendo and alienation. Concerned her interference and subsequent financial benefit would look bad, the third party went on the offensive. She told everyone who would listen her version of the story, implying that the business owner acknowledged his guilt by making a financial settlement. What she did here is turn the target or victim into the villain - a common deflection tactic used by bullies. Something I refer to as the bully’s trap.
The business owner chose not to challenge the bully’s accusations; he felt by reacting it would only make matters worse and that in time the situation would fade from peoples’ minds.
Well, it did not go away. When a few people close to the business owner started to disassociate with the third party, she used another common bullying tactic by portraying herself as the victim. She doubled down on the accusations and innuendos, infecting more and more people in the community with her lies. The gossip, innuendos and alienation flourished. In fact, the truth was so corrupted that by some she was being portrayed as a ‘white knight’ who helped the client.
All of this led to people having to choose sides. It should be noted that few of the people, who the business owner felt were his friends, went to him to convey what they were hearing, and get his side of the story.
Sadly, all of this could have been avoided. Here’s how:
First - the third party should never have stuck her nose in something that was none of her business.
Second - the bystanders to this should have challenged what was core to the situation, the allegation of ethical impropriety. If they had, they would have found, as a matter of public record, it to be false. Regardless of what is being advanced - facts still matter.
Third - (and perhaps most importantly) friends and associates who were drawn into the vortex should have gone to the business owner to tell them what they were hearing, and get his side of the story.
This story is important because what happened here is a microcosm of what is happening to people everywhere. We live in a day and age where the bullies are winning the battles to divide and alienate us. There is no question that the bullies are the root of the problem, however the problem can only flourish if we as bystanders feed it. Most of us do not stand up as witnesses, defenders and resistors. Some of us are afraid that the bully will turn on us. Some of us join in the bullying because it is part of our barbaric nature. Some of us just bury our heads in the sand, hoping it will go away. Some of us are just cowards. And some of us believe it is none of our business – but bullying, wherever we encounter it, is always our business.
If we look at the role of the bystander in the workplace, research shows that two thirds of American workers cannot count on their co-workers for support when things go wrong, something I believe has led to the loneliness epidemic that exists.
What must not be lost in this is the harm this causes to the targets and victims of the bullying. To be discredited and then abandoned is one of the most horrifying things to experience. It ruins livelihoods and destroys relationships. Given that bullying has become more the norm than the exception, it is small wonder we are in a mental health, addiction and suicide crisis.
We, as bystanders, can put a stop to this just by asking - what would I want people to do if it happened to me. Bystanders have the power to nip bullying in the bud. It is understandable that people are reluctant to act because bullies do retaliate. But even as bystanders, we all have the power to not fuel the flames. This story should have been old news relegated to the ages, but it did not, largely because of what the bystanders did and did not do.